I'm going to write about me and my mother.
When I was a teenager, I didn't speak to my father for about 4 years.
We were living under the same roof but I didn't get on with my father at all.
I thought he was controlling, tight with money, rigid and no fun.
I thought I always liked my mother.
Even if I wasn't talking to father, I was talking to my mother.
But no.
Now that I think back, I didn't like my mother either.
Probably even worse than 'not liking'.
I was pitying her.
Poor woman who married to such a man.
Poor woman who didn't know what's out there.
Poor woman, she's so helpless.
Poor woman, she's been bullied by her own sister and his husband's family.
Poor woman, she is not cleaver.
Poor woman, she couldn't even argue with her husband.
She is weak.
She is poor.
She has no life.
I shouldn't tell her what's going on in my life because she wouldn't be able to cope.
I have never said that to my mother.
I didn't even know consciously that was what I thought of her.
Back then, if someone had asked me, I would have said 'Yes, I have a good relationship with my mum!'
And I left to Ireland.
I had never told anything to my mother.
All I said was positive things happen in my life that I thought would make her proud of me.
Because I was still underestimating my mother.
I assumed that she would be upset if I told her I had unplanned pregnancy and lost the baby.
I assumed that she wouldn't know what to do if I told her that my ex husband had been suffering from depression that he wanted to kill himself regularly.
I assumed that she would be ashamed of me if I told her that I had decided to leave the marriage just after a year.
I stopped answering phone calls from home when things were tough for me.
But you know what?
There came time when I broke into pieces that I needed help from people.
Asking for help was my least favorite thing to do in the world!
But I needed help from my friends, my boss and my parents.
My parents!
What did they say when I finally answered to their phone call?
My father broke down in tears of relief knowing that I was ok.
My mother told me that I did well and everything was going to be ok.
And to this day, they've never said a single bad thing about my ex husband or my past choices.
I found out that my father wasn't tight fisted and controlling man.
And my mother wasn't poor, weak, helpless woman who married to a tight fisted, controlling man.
It is ok to tell them what's going on in my life.
It is also ok not to call them out of courtesy. (I used to call them regularly because I assumed they would be cross if I didn't.)
Basically,
I began letting myself be myself in front of them.
If I need help, I call them to ask for their help.
If I had an argument with my partner, I won't hide it from them.
If I want to cry, I cry on Skype; I'm no longer worried about them feeling helpless about my tears.
I trust them they are ok.
Particularly, I trust that my mother is a strong woman.
She is not an Almighty Goddess as I thought when I was little. (All mothers are Goddess to little children.)
She is just a middle aged woman, a first time mother who made mistakes sometimes, didn't stand up for herself sometimes but nonetheless, she is as wonderful as anybody else out there.
Nothing to pity about her.
My son's arrival has played a big part in my change, too.
Because I can't bear the idea that if one day my son tells me 'Mummy, I couldn't tell you what was going on with me because I didn't want to be your burden...'
!!!
As a mother, nothing makes me feel more helpless than that!
And yet, that was what exactly I was doing to my mother.
And I'm sure that was what exactly she was doing to her own mother (my granny).
.........................................
Sometimes, I'm asked for my advice on different issues on people's lives.
Relationship issues.
Parenting issues.
Family issues.
Work issues.
But they are rarely the roots of the issues.
They are like smoke.
The real fire is elsewhere; it is the way you perceive your world.
And the way you perceive your world is based on the way your mother has looked at the world.
I trust that you have a power to change it now.
If you can look at the relationship with your mother now, it can 'heal' all the past relationships in your family (mother/ grandmother, grandmother/ great grandmother) and the future relationships (your children/ grand children, grand children/ great grand children).
What I mean by 'looking at the relationship with your mother' is this.
- Don't give up on your mother.
- Stop pitying your mother.
- Trust her that she is ok.
- Accept that she is just a middle aged woman who is not perfect and makes mistakes sometimes.
- Accept that she is still as precious as a diamond just like all other humans are. (All diamonds are precious even if they gets dirty sometimes.)
- Open up yourself to her.
- Get angry, sad, and tell her what you wanted/ want.
The reason why your children don't tell you what's going on is because you don't tell your mother what's going on.
Even if your mother is already dead, sick or crippled, you can still do this.
Because it's nothing to do with her.
It's to do with your willingness to make peace with your world.
