Me and Religions

It's been a while I post on this blog.

(I post regularly on my business Facebook page if you are interested in reading them.  My Self Care Journey )

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The festive season is upon us. My son (age 5) talks nothing but Christmas these days. 

However, he goes to a non religious school.

So, he's learnt about Diwali, Hanukkah and other religious celebrations in the world as well as Christmas since he started the school last September.

The way he embraces different religious celebrations made me think about my own religious background.

"What is your religion?"

I don't get asked the question that often but when it happens, it takes a moment for me to reply.

It is not because I'm an atheist.

On the contrary, I went through 4 different religions at the earlier stage of my life.

My parents respect all religions they've encountered in their lives.

But Buddhism and Shintoism (originate in Japan) are the two main religions they've been following. Since Japan has the long history of 'Shared practice in Shintoism and Buddhism (神仏習合)', I think it is a common enough style for many Japanese people.

When I was about 7, I was sent to a Protestant Sunday School by my parents. They didn't have any intention to convert me into a Christian. It was just because they thought it was a good idea for me and my sister to learn something different from the academic subjects.

I was given a bible which was a book with the smallest font I had ever seen in my life. So, I didn't read it. But I can still recite Lord's Prayer off my heart from the years I spent there. And I used to pray before I went to bed and asked for forgiveness from God. I think that was my earliest memory of the idea that someone invisible watching me and that I could not hide any bad behaviors. 

I found the church was dark and cold and had a strange smell. We didn't have a pastor but had two pastoresses. We had an old lady with a middle aged daughter first and a new pastoress after the old lady with a daughter retired. All of them spoke softly, looked pale and not so expressive.

We sang songs but none of the songs were like the ones we sang in school or at home. They had beautiful melodies but the lyrics were strange to my ear.  Again, I can still sing them to this day. I did the Christmas play, too (Me = shepherd, my sister = a sheep).

My visit to the church got less frequent, as I began to get too 'busy' on Sunday mornings by watching an American sitcom 'Different Strokes'.

Instead, I began getting interested in Buddhism sutra when I was about 11. One day, I found 'The Heart Sutra', the most well-known sutra in Japan, printed on the back of a flyer in between the morning news paper. All written with Chinese letters with Hiragana (Japanese) on the side so that I could read them all. What strange sounds they were when I read them out loud! Gya-tei-gya-tei-hara-gya-tei-hara-sou-gyatei!? I had been always fascinated by listening to Buddhist monks' chanting whenever I sat in temples. I couldn't detect where their voices were coming from.  It felt like the vibrations shook every bells and tapestries in the room.
I decided to memorise the Heart Sutra. I can still recite most of the Heart Sutra to this day. I like the philosophical approaches even if I feel Buddhism is a male orientated religion. (When Buddha was finally persuaded by Ananda, who was his cousin and had accompanied most of Buddha's journey, to allow women to be Buddhist monks, he said that Buddhism would extinct 500 years earlier by allowing female monks.) 

Apart from the sounds of sutras, I also appreciate many Buddhism practitioners' perspectives. I like how the religion encouraged us to search inwardly, rely inwardly rather than looking externally for inspirations. 

Then, I worked as a shrine maiden at a Shintoism shrine between 17 to 19. I was helping the priest at the ceremonies and the festivals. I liked the shrine maiden's outfit.  I liked the idea that every objects on earth have gods inside them and their sacredness lies in nature. So, the real sacred part of any shrines are actually not in the buildings, it's the forest behind them. I liked that the gods and goddesses are quite like humans - they get angry, grumpy and holly. It is a harmony in chaos just like nature itself. Unlike Buddhism, I feel Shintoism is a feminine religion. Amaterasuohmikami - the Sun God, the protector of the country, is a goddess (although there is a new study revealing that she could be male lately.) 

The priest at the shrine was short tempered, middle aged, overweight man whose father wished him a good wife to look after him. I don't know what happened to the shrine now. Almost 10 years ago, I went back to visit there. It looked abandoned. I spent a little while there alone to pray. I had a strange experience after that but that will be a story for some other times.

And then, I came to Ireland and stayed in a student accommodation in a suburb of Dublin for 2 years. It was run by Catholic nuns from South America and Spain. I don't know what you'd imagine when you hear an accommodation run by Catholic nuns in Ireland. But the sisters there were so much fun with groovy dance moves and life stories to change my image of stereotypical women who go into religious life. One of the new things I experienced there was a curfew. If you didn't make it to the curfew (around 12am), you have to wait until the door is unlocked at 6 am the next morning. If you call the sisters from the disco that you are coming back in the morning, it's no problem. But if you don't call them, you are in trouble. I remember waiting outside of the door with inmates for few hours after coming back from a party. So, the curfew wasn't there to protect the students. It was there for the students to take responsibilities of their actions. There was no sense of over protectiveness. And it was interesting to witness the sister's approaches to the balance between business and faith. It was done lovingly, a matter-of-fact-ly and boldly sometimes. I still have great photos from a long summer's day we all got on the sisters' wagon and went to a beach. Sisters all took off their shoes and run into the sea lifting their habits! 

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I agree with some parts and also disagree with other parts in all religions I've encountered.
One thing I can say is that I've appreciated who they are than what they preach when I met each religious practitioners.
I don't know enough about the teachings of all 4 religions I mentioned above. But I opened towards those who were kind, loved a bit of laugh, missed their families, made mistakes sometimes and forgave; their human qualities. And I saw their Gods when those very human qualities shone through them.

Would I wish I had had the one and only God to believe in my life?
No, I don't think so.
I feel I'm a lucky human whose life has been enriched by meeting all different religious practitioners.

Wake Up. You Are Amazing!

Sometimes, I'm overwhelmed by the urge to grab your shoulders and shake.

"You are amazing!"

The way you underestimate yourself is a joke.
I'll tell you what I mean.

..............................

You eat breakfast every morning.
Do you know how many people skip breakfast? Getting up early enough to eat breakfast means you care for your wellness.
Sometimes, you even cook porridge for breakfast instead of corn flakes.
OMG!

What!? You read a book on the way to work?
These days, so few people read 'books'. Many are just happy with reading online articles here and there.
You are so bloody intellectual!

You hummed your favourite tune as you make yourself coffee.
Do you know how humming has a direct effect on the vagus nerve?
You are doing amazing favour for your inflammatory condition.
What? You didn't know?
You must be a natural born healer or something...

You cooked dinner for your family.
Are you a reincarnation of Mother Teresa?
You could have just ordered a take away on Monday night, but instead, you cooked not only for you but for the entire family.
You must be a saint.
Hm? What's this light?
Is that a halo I see behind you...?

You went to bed early.
That's like the best self care you can give to yourself.
You're looking after yourself so well.
You set your priorities right.
So wise.
You don't need me (therapist).
I call you the Self Care Yoda.

You flushed the toilet.
How considerate you are...
In my household, I'm the only one who flush the toilet.
You are so thoughtful.

You said hello to your colleagues.
You don't know what your 'hello' means to people. Most of us are too busy to say it or just ignore others.
You lift people up.
You must be an angel.
Better give Francis a call in Vatican at this stage...

You gave a hug to someone today?
&%#@+=3!?*
Are you God?
I must be talking to God.

..............................

Wake up.
You are amazing!

Young People These Days

I'm 43 years old. Whether the age is considered young or old, it's up to individuals to decide.
But it is safe to say that I'm at the 'middle' age.

All my life, I have been one of the youngest of most groups I belonged to.
Choirs, poetry club, tanka (a Japanese poetry) club and circles of friends..., I was the baby of the groups. And I liked the status very much!
(Even when I was a small kid, I preferred hiding under the table listening to the adults' conversations than playing with other kids!)

My uncle, my teachers and other interesting adults taught me valuable lessons in different areas in life and I'm forever grateful for not only their knowledges but also their generousities to let me follow them wherever they go.
And, that still continues.
I have some older teachers that I still would love to follow everywhere they go like a puppy. 🐕

However.
Recently, I got few occasions to work with younger people; starting from as little as 5 years old up to early 40s.

And I was constantly dazzled by their talents, open mindedness, innovative minds, flexibilities and abilities to look for the essence rather than decorative packages or superficial matters!

They were my singing teachers, the participants of my workshop, and people whom I studied together, and of course, my son.

If I'm Nokia, they are iPhone 11.
Love Nokia's stability but also love all the fun and technologies iPhone 11 can offer, too!

Up until few years ago, I used to look side way and think scornfully "I can't connect with younger people..."
How shortsighted I was!
Anyway, what was I going to do when I'd be 95 saying "I can't connect with younger people..."?
Most of older people will be under the graves by then.

The younger people I met have welcomed Nokia-me with open arms and listened to me open heartedly but I felt so many times that I didn't have to explain much to them.
I felt they've already known how to connect with their gut and their intuitions.
And if they want information, they have better access to it than Nokia does.

Then, I wondered what I can offer them as an older person.

My answer is to show them how I fall and how I stand up again!

That's I can offer.

After all, what I was ashamed of as mistakes in my life might not be just useless failures.
I could be a living proof that we all have invisible safety belts that we would be ok whatever happens in life!

I received many messages from younger people since my workshop. And I'm ever so happy to hear about them and also looking forward to share my magnificent falls and the experiences of getting back on track.

As a sturdy Nokia, I still have a lot I can contribute for younger people.
But for lot of other things, I'm ready to knock their doors for inspirations.

Life is A Journey To Collect Evidences for Our Beliefs

Yes!

It is a journey to prove what we decided to believe is 'correct.'

So, if your belief is 'I'm not lovable',
you'd look for evidences that could prove your belief is right!

🌱He hadn't returned my call.
🌱I wasn't invited.
🌱She slammed the door.
🌱I was ignored by them.

You can't settled for 'He must have forgotten.' or 'The wind was so strong that the door closed too quickly.'
Because you are on the journey of collecting the proofs that 'you are not lovable.'

But we often don't realize that we are on the proof-collecting-journey. 💡

So, we make efforts.
Here, you make efforts to be 'a lovable human'.

🌱Being understanding of others' needs.
🌱Prioritizing others.
🌱Trying to sort things by yourself when you really can do with some help.
🌱Being the last person to stay to clean up.

People appreciate your kindness.
But their appreciations don't resonate in you deeply.

Because.
Your belief is 'I'm not lovable.'

So, it's the path that you have to keep making efforts without fulfillments.

No matter how much people tell you that they love you and that you are wonderful, talented and kind human being, it doesn't resonate in you.

Because.
Your belief is 'I'm not lovable.'
..............................

The good news is you don't have to make that efforts anymore! 🎊

You just need to rewrite your belief.

'I'm loved.'
'I've always been loved.'

It's not easy.
But everytime you collect all your courage to find the proofs of 'I'm loved' (I call this process 'Bungee Jumping' 😂), you rewrite your belief firmly.

🌱Ask for help.
🌱Prioritze your needs.
🌱Say 'No'.
🌱Leave the gathering first and leave the dirty dishes to someone else.😂

It's not the efforts we need.
It's the courage that we need.

What would you be collecting these evidences for?

Asking for Help

It is the first day of the big school for my son.

On the way to the school, I noticed that my petrol tank was low.

Me: I'm low on the petrol. We have to stop at the petrol station on the way.

My son: Is the car going to stop before we get to the school if we don't put on the petrol?

Me: Well, I don't know. But even if it stops we will be ok.

My son: Yes! We have AA and also people can stop to help us. (We had such an incidence before that many kind people stopped to help us when we run out of petrol!)

Me: Yes. In fact, we can always get help for many things. When you need a help with your garden, you can ask auntie Frances. If you want to learn about storytelling, you can call auntie Fiona. If you want to make a pot, you can call uncle Andrew for advice. If you want to learn singing, you can ask uncle Frank... 

Soon we found out that there are so many people in our lives with different talents that we can call up for help.

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We are expected to look after ourselves.
My son is encouraged to get dressed by himself, tidy up after him and hang his jacket on his own.

But being able to ask for help is another important skill in life.

Today, he will meet many kids with different talents; someone who is good with Lego, someone who is good at drawing, someone who is good at swimming.

All the way to the school, we imagined who he would meet today in the classroom and what talents all of them would have.

May we remember that we don't have to be stuck.
We always have a help.
And asking for help from others is a way to shine a spot light onto other's talents.
And asking for help is a way of self care.

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Me: So, what's your talent?

My son: Helping people to choose what cars to buy! (he's always been crazy about cars.)

Recommendation for Imitation

My son's toy car mandala!

Many have negative ideas for the words such as imitations, mimicking and copying.

We have copy rights and trade marks for artists and brands for their unique styles.

And if you are an artist or want to express something in public, one of the first requirements is 'originality'.

But I wonder.

Isn't originality something you can't avoid anyway if you live your life?
No matter how you try to mimic someone's way of being, your uniqueness is always...coming trough the outer layer.
Like your finger prints, ultimately your style is the one and only.
I mean, you can't be anyone but yourself.

So, in a way, it is such a pity that people are timid to express themselves just because they are afraid of being 'not original enough'.

I'm all for being mimicked.

I consider being mimicked means that I've inspired someone.

If you type in '花曼荼羅' (flower mandala in Japanese) in Google, many pictures of my flower mandala come up in different websites.
Someone is making a collaboration video of their singing bowl music and my flower mandala.

Either ways with credit or without credit, I am happy that people like what I make.
And nothing makes my heart jumps with joy than the moment I see flower mandala made by my friends or their friends on my Facebook timeline.

I do respect other artists' copy rights myself as I understand where they are coming from.
There are people who make fake products for greed and fame.
But what do they get by doing that?
Money?
But so what?
It is a vain, meaningless, waste-of-energy-act that their own creativity itself would know in deep down.
It is more violating to their own souls (their own creativities) than someone's artistic works.

We can not be anything but original.
At the end of the day, you can not mimic anyone.
You can not be anyone else but yourself.

If you find anything beautiful, anything that moves you in life, I hope you are not afraid of mimicking them.
Soon you will find what you create is nothing but your original.

My Service Is Not For Everyone and For Everyone

It has been just over a month since I launched my business.

There are two things that are considered to be crucial for business and yet I still don't have or intend to have in future.

Which are...


Business cards and flyers (except workshop flyers)


?????


Majority of people in therapy business have their business cards and flyers.
At business course, I was taught that they were one of the first things I'd need.
And I even went on ordering a set of flyers last month.


But.

I decided not to have them...because I never keep them myself!

I mean, I used to take flyers and business cards from shops but I didn't usually keep them.
More than 95% of them go into the bin!

I don't know about you but I found they are waste of resources in this age of internet.

The reason why I realized about this is because I ordered a set of flyers from a local printer whose job was unsatisfactory to me.
He wasn't following up with queries and breaking deadlines without contacting me.
At the end, I decided to cancel  the order.

At that time, I thought I've lost so many business opportunities by not having flyers at workshops and was planning to use another printer.

But I stopped for a moment and thought what I usually did with flyers and business cards I took.
Most of time, I throw them away without contacting them!

You may want to say "Well, you might be so but you are losing potential clients who are different from you..."

No.

I am my target clientele.

My service is not targeted to everyone.
It is for someone who find what I offer resonate with them.

I love what I sell.
I really do believe that taking care of yourself is the best thing you could do for you, your family, your community and the rest.

So, I'm selling my service to those who believe in it, too.

How can a therapy be effective on someone who doesn't believe in it?

So, other day, when I was invited to provide my service at an event, I didn't have a single flyer or business card to give to public.

I had a framed piece of paper explaining the service I offer, the flyers for the most recent upcoming workshop (but not for taking!) and a slide show of my mandala.

What did happen?

People who are interested in took a photo of flyers with their phones.
People who are interested in engaged with me in conversations to know more about it.
People who are interested in wrote down their numbers and email addresses on my note book.


And that's enough for me.

Those people are not taking flyers and business cards mindlessly only to bin them.

When I make things, I put so much love and attentions.
So, if I make flyers, I would select the quality of papers, colours, layouts, pictures of mandala and flowers and herbs with care.
And I can't bear to find my flyers in the bin at the end of events!😭

Am I too obsessed?
Well, if I don't love it that much, I don't see the point of going through all the troubles to start up my own business.
I'd have been just happy being employed somewhere.


So, my service is not for everyone.
I'm not trying to catch every passer-by.

I'm at service for people who find my perspectives resonate with them.
That's why I don't save myself from transmitting messages on social medias.
It's no time for me to play 'cool'.
I want to share my passion for Self Care with those who care!


Having said that my service is not for everyone, it's also not only for people who are unwell either.

It is for everyone who want to tap into their unheard messages from their guts.
For those who want to find the most harmonious and effortless ways to work with your potentials.

I believe that if everyone begin accepting who they are and their desires, and start working for their dreams, it benefits whole lot of people who are around them.

It's just like a piece of jigsaw puzzle, you fit into the space that is dedicated only for you by not 'trying to be someone better' but being yourself.

So, contact me for a chat regardless of your health conditions!

Your selfishness benefits everyone including myself.

🌼Email: mayumi_nakabayashi@hotmail.com
🌺Tel: 00353 (0)868828381
☺Face book: My Self Care Journey
📸Instagram: @mayuminakabayashi

🌻Upcoming Workshop🌱
Diversity Within Us: Microbiota & Flower Mandala Making
10am - 12pm, 24th August, @The Wilds Enniscorthy, Wexford, Ireland

Me & My Mother

I'm going to write about me and my mother.


When I was a teenager, I didn't speak to my father for about 4 years.
We were living under the same roof but I didn't get on with my father at all.
I thought he was controlling, tight with money, rigid and no fun.

I thought I always liked my mother.
Even if I wasn't talking to father, I was talking to my mother.
But no.

Now that I think back, I didn't like my mother either.
Probably even worse than 'not liking'.

I was pitying her.


Poor woman who married to such a man.
Poor woman who didn't know what's out there.
Poor woman, she's so helpless.
Poor woman, she's been bullied by her own sister and his husband's family.
Poor woman, she is not cleaver.
Poor woman, she couldn't even argue with her husband.

She is weak.
She is poor.
She has no life.

I shouldn't tell her what's going on in my life because she wouldn't be able to cope. 


I have never said that to my mother.
I didn't even know consciously that was what I thought of her.
Back then, if someone had asked me, I would have said 'Yes, I have a good relationship with my mum!'

And I left to Ireland.
I had never told anything to my mother.
All I said was positive things happen in my life that I thought would make her proud of me.

Because I was still underestimating my mother.

I assumed that she would be upset if I told her I had unplanned pregnancy and lost the baby.
I assumed that she wouldn't know what to do if I told her that my ex husband had been suffering from depression that he wanted to kill himself regularly.
I assumed that she would be ashamed of me if I told her that I had decided to leave the marriage just after a year.

I stopped answering phone calls from home when things were tough for me.

But you know what?
There came time when I broke into pieces that I needed help from people.

Asking for help was my least favorite thing to do in the world!
But I needed help from my friends, my boss and my parents.

My parents!
What did they say when I finally answered to their phone call?
My father broke down in tears of relief knowing that I was ok.
My mother told me that I did well and everything was going to be ok.
And to this day, they've never said a single bad thing about my ex husband or my past choices.

I found out that my father wasn't tight fisted and controlling man.
And my mother wasn't poor, weak, helpless woman who married to a tight fisted, controlling man.

It is ok to tell them what's going on in my life.
It is also ok not to call them out of courtesy. (I used to call them regularly because I assumed they would be cross if I didn't.)

Basically, I began letting myself be myself in front of them.

If I need help, I call them to ask for their help.
If I had an argument with my partner, I won't hide it from them.
If I want to cry, I cry on Skype; I'm no longer worried about them feeling helpless about my tears.

I trust them they are ok.
Particularly, I trust that my mother is a strong woman.
She is not an Almighty Goddess as I thought when I was little. (All mothers are Goddess to little children.)
She is just a middle aged woman, a first time mother who made mistakes sometimes, didn't stand up for herself sometimes but nonetheless, she is as wonderful as anybody else out there.
Nothing to pity about her.


My son's arrival has played a big part in my change, too.

Because I can't bear the idea that if one day my son tells me 'Mummy, I couldn't tell you what was going on with me because I didn't want to be your burden...'

!!!

As a mother, nothing makes me feel more helpless than that!

And yet, that was what exactly I was doing to my mother.
And I'm sure that was what exactly she was doing to her own mother (my granny).

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Sometimes, I'm asked for my advice on different issues on people's lives.

Relationship issues.
Parenting issues.
Family issues.
Work issues.

But they are rarely the roots of the issues.
They are like smoke.
The real fire is elsewhere; it is the way you perceive your world.
And the way you perceive your world is based on the way your mother has looked at the world.

I trust that you have a power to change it now.

If you can look at the relationship with your mother now, it can 'heal' all the past relationships in your family (mother/ grandmother, grandmother/ great grandmother) and the future relationships (your children/ grand children, grand children/ great grand children).

What I mean by 'looking at the relationship with your mother' is this.

• Don't give up on your mother.
• Stop pitying your mother.
• Trust her that she is ok.
• Accept that she is just a middle aged woman who is not perfect and makes mistakes sometimes.
• Accept that she is still as precious as a diamond just like all other humans are. (All diamonds are precious even if they gets dirty sometimes.)
• Open up yourself to her.
• Get angry, sad, and tell her what you wanted/ want.

The reason why your children don't tell you what's going on is because you don't tell your mother what's going on.

Even if your mother is already dead, sick or crippled, you can still do this.
Because it's nothing to do with her.

It's to do with your willingness to make peace with your world.

How To Be Happy

(...this title...🙄)
Anyhow, today I'll speak about how to be happy.

There may be many ways to the peak of the 'Happiness' mountain, but my way is...

Lower the bar for things I like!✨

What I mean is this.

If I'm asked what film I like,

I used to go in my head...

Well, I like 'Cloud Atlas'..., that was amazing but maybe not so many people know it, errr, 'King's Speech' was great, too...love anything with Geoffrey Rush...hmmm...how about 'The Last Emperor'? I have the DVD, I must have liked it, at least in the past, ...emmmm, I like French films, too. Yes! French! 

Out comes from my mouth,

"I like 'Amelie'!"

..........................................

I wonder why I thought it has to be one or just a handful?

So, I lowered the bar for the films I like and began including things I used to consider 'so-so'.

Cloud Atlas
Kings Speech
The Last Emperor
Amelie
Shine
Swimming Pool
The Night Poter
Nell
Silence of Lamb
Hannibal
Wind Rises
Castle in the Sky
Malholand Drive
Monty Python and Holy Grail
Like Water for Chocolate
Paddington 2
Sex And The City 1 & 2
Thomas & Friends, Journey Beyond Sodor, The Movie

Basically, I include everything in 'Like' category except things I didn't like. 


What food do I like?

Japanese
Italian
Vietnamese
Korean
Georgian
Chinese
French
Irish
African
Moroccan
Vegetarian
Fish
Meat
Chicken
Game
High protein diet
Low carb diet
Pasta
Rice
Bread
Non dairy
Dairy
Sugar free
Sugary
Salty (I don't like 'no salt')

You name it!


What is my hobby?

Singing
Writing
Making flower mandala
Working
Painting
Drawing
Reading
Drawing
Driving
Swimming in the sea
Knitting
Sewing
Gardening
Kayaking
Net surfing
Skiing
Skating
Rollerblading
Walking
Foraging
Swimming
Cooking
Shopping
Sleeping
Doing my make up
Stroking my cat
Watching my hens
Taking shower
Blushing my theeth

I lower that bar so much so that even ants can jump over!🐜


What colour do I like? (one of the most asked questions by my son for some reason.)

All the colours in the world!🌈

............................................

And what happens is that I realize I live in the world where I am surrounded by so many things I like.

My world is over-flowing with things I like.

I look right, left, front and back.
I can't go anywhere without seeing my favorite things.

When you like so many things in your world,
When you can talk about how wonderful those things are,

You might call your state - 'Happy'.

Kids' Screen Time - Parenting or...?

My childhood fun!!!: pic from www.itmedia.co.jp

Recently, I was asked my opinion about kid's screen time.

The question was if I think kids are watching too much TV, Youtube, etc. and if I think 'screen time' has negative effects on children.


My answer is... I don't know.


Well, I know there are studies showing negative effects of screen times on kids and many of my friends, who are both parents and non-parents, told me how they were scared of seeing kids fixated in front of screens.

But I would still say, I don't know.
Because it could be so individual and case by case.

Growing up, I used to watch TV everyday and had TV in my room. 
But I haven't owned TV for nearly 15 years now.

I used to be crazy about the early version of Nintendo. I couldn't wait to come home from school to hold the controller when I was 10! 🏃
But I haven't done computer games since.

I know someone who were brought up by hippie-non religious-parents and christened himself to Catholic later in his life. (⬅️slightly different case?) 😂

What I want to say is that, you don't know what effect things have in individuals' lives.
In my childhood, it was computer games but now it's smart phones and ipads.
We always find something problematic and worry about.

I'm more curious why we want to find problems.

I think life is a journey to collect proofs of what we decide to believe.

Screen time is bad.
Not eating vegetables is bad.
Kids should play outside in mud.

Ok. I agree to all of them.
But if I begin to use them as problems in my life, that's the time to question myself (not my child.)

In another words, if I get grumpy when my son is getting too much screen time, not eating vegetables, and not playing outside in mud, then, that's far more questionable than what my child is doing.

Why Am I Not Smiling...?


Because I want to have reasons to feel guilty as a bad mother.
The masochistic part of myself is always watching out for reasons to criticize myself.
Because if I manage to make myself believe that I'm not good enough, I would have a good reason not to try what I love to do in my life.
If I don't try, I would be safe from failures.

Yes, if I'm not smiling, it's nothing to do with my son's screen time.
It's to do with the fact that I am not doing what my heart desires.
It's to do with what I am scared of.

I think there's noting more difficult for kids than having a grumpy mother (I'm talking about myself here first).
Because little people think it's their fault that mummy is not smiling.
They would start watching mummy's eye movements and start to behave in order not to annoy mummy.

We think mother's love is great.
But I think children's love is greater than mothers' love.
Children love mothers no matter what kind person she is.
They just love you.

I don't know how much damage screen time would do to individual kids.
But one thing I'm sure of is how it is damaging for my son when I'm not smiling.

Why are we not smiling?
What are we making ourselves suffer for?

I feel that's where we need to look at first.
We can talk about the rest later.

Guilty Body is Healthy Body

Someone said guilty feeling is like a burp after a good meal.
It's only a natural reaction when you fulfill your needs.

We often feel guilty when we follow our bodies' desires.

When you choose to sleep instead of working late.
When you say "No" to social gatherings and choose to relax at home.
When you eat what you really want instead of following a gluten free diet.

So, I think feeling guilty after fulfilling your needs means you are healthy.
Just as being able to burp after filling meal means you are healthy.

Rather than suppressing your needs deep down, you let it come up.
Rather than suppressing the burp, you are letting it go up the oesophagus.

After every burps, you feel lighter and comfortable in your body.

Guilt is a necessary feeling if you are in tune with your body.

.........................................................

We often feel guilty when we follow our hearts' desires.

When you leave your child with someone to go to work/ do what you are passionate about.
When you focus on your creativity rather than productivity or profitability.
When you choose to have fun while others stay suffering (by choice).

Since I began facilitating a flower mandala making workshop, I've heard a good few people saying "Poor flowers! I feel guilty breaking those beautiful flowers."

And I understand where the guilt is coming from and I used to feel a bit like that, too!

Cutting those flowers that were happily blossoming in wild, dissecting them into pieces, only to be used for an ephemeral mandala which is nothing to do with productivity or profitability, no promise to cure anything but...

Only for our joy. 

There are many reasons why I find making flower mandala is wonderful.
One of the reason is it challenges us to face with our guilty feeling which could be a sign of doing a favor to our body and heart.

You singed up for a flower mandala making workshop and yet you feel guilty of making flower mandala for various reasons.
I trust that your unheard desires are there to be explored through making flower mandala for that reason.

I treat every bits of plant with respect and appreciate their wonder and beauty in details.
After I accept how costly I am as an individual human who needs those beauty and this way of expressing my creativity and has a desire to share with the world, stop economizing myself, my guilty feeling dissolved.
All I have now is a gratitude which is a fuel for me to do good to the world in return.

........................................................

If you follow your head, you wouldn't feel guilty.

Chopping flowers and dissecting them are wrong.
No productivity and no profitability means a waste of time.
Work instead of getting good night sleep.
Follow specialists' advice than your own instinct.
Give up what you are passionate about and stay at home for your family.

You are safe.
Not a chance of feeling guilty.

But if you follow your body and your heart desire, you have a good chance of facing your guilty feelings.

So, I don't want to be afraid of feeling guilty in my life.
It could be a sign that I've done my body and heart a big favor by listening to them.

Would you like to let it go like a burp or hold it down?

Going Against Norm

My business launched last month officially.

But you know what?
It really began much earlier than that.

It began the day I started to say 'NO'.
It began the day I stopped seeing people I don't get along.
It began the day I started to do what I want to do rather than what I have to do. 

You might wonder how that works? 🙄
Because it's said...

In the business world, the customers come first and sometimes you have to say 'Yes' to things you don't like.
For your business, sometimes you have to be friendly with people you don't get along.
In order to be successful, you might have to do things you don't like (certain ways of ads, promotions, going with trends, etc...)


Instead, I began to care for myself.
I began to accept myself as an imperfect being, on my way to learn more but also as someone who have something to share with others.
And I don't have to bend myself to fit into other people's styles.

My shape is not the same as yours.
But, like a piece of a jigsaw puzzle, there is a place only for me as you have your own place to fit.
If I tried to be you and squeeze into your space, I will never fit in.

• Saying 'NO'.
• Stop pretending to be a person who can get on with anybody.
• Do what I love. 

That's my business and that's My Self Care.

It might be norm that you separate your business and private life.
But to me, I have them intertwined.
My life is my business.

When I decided to set up my business, I swore to myself that...

I will only do what I love more than three meals! (foods are important to me...)
I will make a living out of something that gives me so much joy, to the point that I even forget to eat!

So, that's what I do.
And that's why I don't do certain things.

........................................................


I'm grateful that many enquiries for my sessions are coming in these days.

Some are to request for a session in different locations.
And I have to say 'No'.


Because my session is not only for those 2 hours I am with you.

It begins from choosing fresh herbs from my garden for a cup of tea to serve you when you arrive. 🌿

I pick seasonal flowers and leaves from my garden and neighbouring forest for you to make a mandala. 🌺🌼

I select essential oils to burn in the room.
I prepare a rug, cushions and throws to make you feel comfortable.

I don't give you much advice during the session as I want to use the time fully for listening to you and being with you.
Instead, I send you an email with feed backs and advice afterwards.

And I don't know if I can offer the same degree of care when I visit somewhere to hold a session.

I care what I do.
The care for you is the care for me.

So, I'm sorry I have to say 'No' to those requests.
I know I'm in a countryside and it is less accessible than being in a city but this is the reason.

And I have the deepest gratitude for those clients who came to see me from hundreds miles away.
I am grateful to have been at your service.
I am over the moon if you could find even just a single way to make use of me and what I offered.

..............................

This is not only about business.
But it's for everyday life.

The integrity to your pulsing heart, your creative mind and your sacred spirit.

Because you deserve nothing less.

What Is Failure?

The first half of 2019 has gone.

It has been active 6 months for me; starting up a new venture, facilitating workshops, being involved in acting, being invited abroad to sing and having been planted many seeds for the next half of the year.

One big gain for me throughout this time is that I've managed to digest and utilize an idea of...


Now is everything.


Yes!

It becomes a habit for me to be aware of my energy whenever I move.
I'm not concerned about the end result much, but am concerned if I am having fun right now.
I'm not valuing how I would feel once 'I succeed', but valuing the process I enjoy at each steps to get to the end.

Because I don't see much differences between success and failure anymore these days.

They are fleeting stuff.

Let's say, I facilitate a workshop in Dublin.

If someone in the group found it really interesting and asked her friend who works in Google to host my workshop in the Silicon Valley which resulted Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates making flower mandala side by side, then, I would always look it back as a great success that brought me to incredible adventures. 🌼🌺🙄🌻

But if I got involved in a car accident on the way back from the workshop, I might look it back and say "I wish I haven't done that workshop".

I just don't know.
It's the same workshop but I don't know how the external forces would work for/against me in future.
And in that regard, the past as well.
If something positive/negative happens relating to a neutral past experience, the past also changes to positively or negatively depending on now.

What is success and failure?
You never know until the end of your life how things would turn out.
Stephen Hawking said "God is quite a gambler." and so I feel.

So, rather than counting on the numbers on the dice, I decided to go for more countable stuff - NOW.

As long as I'm having fun right now, that's all it matters.
Nothing more important than paying attentions to the energy I emit.

There are business norms such as...

Post regularly on SNS to keep your online presence.
Have a website up as soon as possible.
Reply to the enquiries as soon as possible.

But to me, if I have to do those things for 'success', I feel exhausted and it takes joy out of what I do at the end.
My creativity dries up and I end up not much to offer to anyone.

Whereas, if I wait a little until the wave rises within me, I can be most creative and be useful for others.

Not moving is scary.
Especially, when I see other people moving forward swiftly.

But if it is all about how I am feeling right now, I know there's no one to compete with.

Yes.
In truth, whether it is business or anything else in life, there are no competitors, no success or failure.

It's just me in the present moment.

For The Little Child You Were

I use to hold my head in disbelief for how childish I could be, especially when I was dealing with my son. (I still do, sometimes.)

I saw myself reacting in childish ways to my son's childish behaviors!

He's entitled to be childish because he is five.
But I am not! 😩


Then, one day, I realized that the reason why I was acting like a child was because I hadn't been allowed to act like a child when I was, indeed, a child.
I was often required to behave like an adult when I was a child.

'Stop wanting it so much! You are the big sister. Let your sister have the pink mug.'
'Think about others' needs first.'
'Stop crying now.'

I swear my parents had no intentions, anything else than what they just said.
But especially as a big sister, even if it was just a year difference in age, I remembered being expected to restrain my feelings and desires frequently.

Well, if you are a child, when you want something, you just want!
Want, want, want!

If you are a child, when you are sad, you just cry!
Cry, cry, cry!

I think I wasn't doing that much.
I was explained why I should have behaved differently when I couldn't even explain why I want it or why I was crying. (Kids just do that!)

...............................................

Fast forward the time to the present.

I found myself telling my son...

'Stop asking me to buy everything you see!' (...because I'm not getting everything I want.)
'Why don't you let him play with the toy first?' (...because I'm letting others needs come first. So you should, too!)
'Stop crying.' (...because I'm the one who want to cry!)

And when my son didn't do as I said...I reacted like a child!


When I realized this mechanism, it was a blessing and a consolation to me at the same time.

I felt relieved that I knew what to do then.
I felt sad for my little child-self.

..............................................

Now?

Yes, my son still asks me to buy him toys and sweets whenever we go shopping.
I won't buy them.
But I'm happy for him that he can find so many things that he likes everyday.
I let him explore the toy sections and agree how nice they are and we go.

He cries when he hurts himself, when he has to leave his best friend's house.
I say how sore it must be, I say how difficult to say good bye to someone we love.
I let him cry until he stops.

When he doesn't want to share his toy with his friends, let him play first but suggest him to let others to try next.

.............................................

It's no point blaming my parents.
They didn't know - they thought it was a good manner to prioritize other's needs or stop crying straight and move on.
Or they had also been required to behave like an adult when they were small - being born just after the second world war in Japan.

All I needed was a consolation to my little child-self and an enquiry to my current self - what for that I'm making myself suffer?

That day, my adulthood started.

Fear Of Being Judged: Extra Extra!

Extra Extra...😅

This post is following from the previous 4 posts.

Fear of Being Judged by Others; Vol. 1
Fear of Being Judged by Others; Vol. 2
Fear of Being Judged by Others; Vol. 3 (Possibly The End...?)
Fear of Being Judged by Others; Extra!

..................................

So, you might want to ask me a question.

'Mayumi, are you saying you don't judge anybody or anything anymore?'

The answer is...

I do!
I totally judge people! 😂


Other day, I was driving behind a white car.
We stopped at a junction waiting for the main road to be clear of the cars so that we can turn into it. Somehow, the white car didn't move fast enough when the road got clear so that we were stuck at the junction for another while.
Then, I saw a young female hand with a cigarette stretched out from the window at the driver's side.

I judged.

I judged her instantly.
I couldn't even tell you what it was for that I judged her.
It was almost a reflex.
I went "Tut! Tut!" in my mind to 'A young woman with a hand holding a cigarette.'


When I catch myself judging, I just... catch myself.
"Ah! I judged her now."
I don't criticize or blame myself for judging but I just accept that I have a judgement to 'A young woman with a cigarette.'

Then I look into myself deeper why I have a judgement to 'A young woman with a cigarette.'

1: Why do I think that way?
2: Where does the idea come from?
3: Is it my own judgement or was it influenced by someone or some situations that happened before?
4: Is my judgement universally, unconditionally and definitely true?
5: If answer is no, it's time for me to let go of the judgement.


In this case, I realized that I was influenced by my parents' idea of 'woman who smoke is not proper'. My father, in particular, hated smoking but his mother (my granny) smoked daily. He adored his mother but he hated smoking. I remember feeling this contradictions in him.  I consider contradictions in human behavior and mind are normal. But I know many struggle with contradictions. (My next theme for the workshop, by the way...←Ads😝)

And I ask myself a question,

'Woman who smoke is not proper' - is this universally, unconditionally and definitely true?

No. It's not.

So, I let go of the judgement.

.............................................


I don't think I will ever be free of judgemental self.

In fact, I cherish my judgemental side sometime.

Being judgemental is an important part of being an artist.

I can't create without having an eye to judge what is beautiful and what is meaningful to me.

People who are not so judgemental are kind people.

They accept people as they are and appreciate their ways.


Artistic people and kind people.

Both are wonderful.
And both are just different qualities in people.
The fact that all of us are diamonds don't change whether you are artistic or kind.

But if being judgemental makes your life difficult, you can look at it one by one and let go of it.

Different

For instance,

My partner loses his wallet and phone often.

I don't understand how he could lose them so easily.

Because I've never lost my purse and phone.


But he notices wild roses are blossoming on the hedge on that road, whereas I didn't notice them at all even though I drive pass them every day.


So, neither of us are careless.

We are just different.

We are attentive to different things.

And that made me feel glad.

Somehow, it made me feel better than imagining both of us are careful for where we place our wallets and phones.

Hay Fever and Me

I've had hay fever since I was sixteen.

So, every summer, between June and July, I've been feeling pretty miserable with runny nose, headaches from blocked sinus, itchy-puffy-bulging eyes, itchy throat, skin rush, etc...


However, this year, I am feeling well.


Not that I tried a new remedy or life style change.
(Yes! I've tried anti histamine tablets to alternative remedies and therapies in the past.)

I don't know if the pollen counts are down this year.
I don't know my work with microbiota has paid off.

But one thing I've done this year is to stop using hey fever as a reason for being miserable.


Yes!

I do still have runny nose.
I still have itchy eyes and throat.
I wake up with a sneeze.

I still have all the symptoms but do I have to use those as a reason for me to be miserable?

That's the question I asked myself.

Runny nose, itchy eyes, constant sneezing... so what???

I'm too busy having fun with setting up my business, making mandala, stroking my cat, playing with chicks, singing with friends, writing this blog... so many important things in my life than making hay fever a reason for being miserable = the reason for not trying what I love to do.

Hey Fever, so what?

I wrote somewhere before that there's a reason for everything I do.
I do what I do consciously and unconsciously because they are beneficial for me.

If I stay miserable, it gives me another reason not to have fun.

So, what's real fun for me? 
↓
It is doing what I love to do.
↓
But what if I fail when I try what I love to do?
↓
Do I think I can recover from the failure?
↓
No.
↓
Let's stay miserable then...

It's better staying miserable than being courageous.

Errr... I need an excuse to be miserable...oh! Yes, hey fever! I'll use hay fever for the reason to be miserable for the month of June and July! Hurray! Two months out of twelve months are covered now! Phew! Now I have to find other reasons to be miserable for the rest of the year. Is there any material...how about motherhood? That's always a good one. Very versatile. Works for almost all occasions like a little black dress. Now I don't have to be brave to try what I love to do. I'm safe... 🤣

That's how it worked for me.

.............................................


My friend who died few years ago is a great example of not using a physical condition as an excuse of not following his love of life.

He met a beautiful woman.
He got married.
He had beautiful twin babies.

All after being diagnosed with a terminal cancer.

Cancer, so what?

He had much fun with friends, travelled a lot with his wife, sang, drank, ate what he wanted in his deteriorating health.

You didn't make any excuse, my friend!

.......................................................


What I want to look at in my therapy session is this.
I won't offer you a cure or a healing.
I would like to make a space for you to look at what's stopping you to have everything you love.


For me, having a red nose and watery eyes doesn't have to stop me from laughing everyday.

Time: Me and My Business/Projects

With hand on my heart, I can say the most precious thing in my life is TIME.

Yes!
Nothing else values more than 'time' in my life.
Because, unlike money or other stuff, I can't save it, store it or stop it running.
It's like a broken tap, time just runs passed right in front of my eyes.

So, I take a close look at how I spend my time every day...well, every minute of it sometimes.
In other words, I pay attention to how I am feeling every day, every time when I do things.

.....................................


Lately, I've been running few projects.
If I count all the events and activities I'm involved, this is possibly the busiest I've ever got in my life.
On top of that, I'm a mother of a small child and setting up my own business, too!

And yet, I don't feel... 'Busy'.

Because I pay close attention to the state of myself when I'm doing things.

Am I feeling well doing it?
Do I feel like doing it right now?
Is it fun?

In stead of making actions out of 'fear'.

I have to do this now otherwise she might think I'm not interested in this. (fear of how other people think of me)
It is more convenient if I do this now. (fear of future inconvenience)
Unless I do it now, I won't do it later. (fear of myself changing mind)

When I sacrifice my 'now' for the fear of judgement or for a future benefit, it means that things become an effort: I'm doing things that doesn't make me feel good.

In a long run, I found it's not productive.
Those little sufferings pile up and affect my over all mood and that affects people who are around me and what we are creating.
With that foul mood of mine, I wouldn't be as half as creative as I could be.

So, what I do is this.

No matter how amazing the project is, if I'm not enjoying the process of it I stop it immediately.

I make other suggestions or simply wait for the time I feel like doing it.

Yes, it might not be convenient.
Yes, it might mean that people have to wait.
Yes, it might mean that I have to do it all over again.

But so far, I haven't received any complaints or I haven't pulled my hair out "Ahhhggg!!! I'm busy!!!".
Everything seems to be flowing.

And if I'm enjoying the process, the result doesn't matter.
Even if I didn't get the result I expected, I don't get disappointed.
Because the focus is on the process, how I enjoyed every minutes of doing it.

..................................

My business is about facilitating a space for people to find the ways to take care of themselves (= Self Care).
And my therapy session is not cheap.
My business mentor showed a concern that my pricing was on the expensive side compared to the standard in the area.

However, 'time' is the most valuable thing in my life.
I consider spending time for ourself is the greatest gift we can offer to ourselves.

To me, loving someone means you spend your time for being with the person, thinking about them and doing things for them.
Self care is loving yourself: you spend your time for being with you, thinking about you and doing things for you.

If I want to transmit that message, I have no problem charging people for my time I dedicate for them and for my time spent to acquire my knowledge.

When I am with you, I'll be 100% there with you in my abundant, fun and well self.
Because you don't deserve anything less.

As I value my time, I value your time as the most precious thing in your world.

Fear of Being Judged by Others; The Extra!

As soon as I start writing about the relationship with mother, the access numbers to the blog declines dramatically.😂
(Another possible reason could be using too many 💩💩💩)

I know, I know, it's no fun talking about being honest to our mothers with our feelings.
It takes a gut or two to do that.

I'm not saying you have to do it.
You can continue with 'the OK relationship' with your mother.
There are many happy people in the world who are not speaking to their mothers.

However.

I also think it's such a pity to waste your life for the sake of a revenge to your mother.
(I'm not pitying you. I feel pity of the situation.)

Yes, a revenge.

Of course, you don't think you are doing a revenge to your mother at all.
It's an unconscious level.

But we do things for a reason: for our benefits.
We do everything we do because it's beneficial for us somehow.

I said, at the end of the Vol.1 of this series, 'If you are not happy with the way you are right now, it is worthwhile to look at your relationship with your mother.'

If you are not happy with the way you are right now, it can be a proof to your mother that she did a bad job as a mother.

Yes, you are saying...

"See? What you did to me? 
Look at my state now. I can't trust others. I'm afraid of what other people think of me. I think I'm crap. I'm not good enough. This is the result of how you brought me up.
You did a bad job as a mother."

You want your mother to go...

"What did I do wrong? Why is she/he afraid of what other people think so much? What have I done?"

Because if you are happy with the way you are right now, it means that their job was success!
It means that they did well as a mother to bring you up as a confident, happy and content adult who doesn't care what other people think of them.


OK. I've lost all my readers by now saying this. 🤣


But still, I think it's worth saying it.

You might think you don't want to go near to the issues with your mother.

But by avoiding going there, you keep trapping yourself into the cage; being fearful of what other people would think.

I'm not asking you to forgive your mother for her sake at all.
It's for your sake so that you can be free yourself from your revenge to her (= being unhappy with yourself.)

Because she doesn't worth that much.
No matter how important and fragile you think she is, she doesn't worth sacrificing your happiness.


Here is the step by step I wrote yesterday; how to get out of the fear of being judged by others.

1, Look into your relationship with your mother.
2, Recognize that her world view has been your world views.  (She told you that the world was a tough place first. )
3, Forgive her as it wasn't her fault. (i.e. She was a first time mother. She didn't know. Her mother (your granny) told her that the world was a tough place.)
4, Stop treating her as a 'shit' and began treating her as a 'diamond'. (= Stop pitying her and began trusting her that she can take it.).
5, Tell her what you feel/felt, what's happening/ what happened in your life.
6, Have a fight if necessary but keep trusting that you can be closer after this.
7, If your mother become a diamond, you become a diamond.
8, Since you become a diamond, your child become a diamond.
9, You know that no one judge you for who you are and what you do.
10, You began living your life without fear of being judged.


Let me know what you think.

Fear of Being Judged by Others: Vol. 3 (Possibly the End...?)

from Father Ted Wiki Fundom 💚

This is following from the previous two posts:
Fear of Being Judged by Others; Vol. 1
Fear of Being Judged by Others; Vol. 2

*Please read from the Vol.1&2 otherwise you may think I'm just shouting 'Shit'💩for no reason.😂 (...Father Jack...)

...................................

So, I stopped treating my mother as a 'shit' and treating her as a 'diamond'. 💩➡️💍💎✨

The translation of that is...I stopped pitying my mother and began trusting her instead.

I began telling her my feelings.
I began telling her what had happened.

I stopped thinking that she wouldn't understand.
I stopped thinking that she wouldn't be able to handle it.
I stopped thinking that that would be a burden for her.
I stopped thinking that I don't want to give her a trouble.


If you are a mother yourself, you might understand me.

If my son comes to me and say..
"Mum, I couldn't tell you what happened because I didn't want to be your burden..."😢

I would burst into tears.

There's nothing makes me feel powerless than this.
If my son thinks that I can't take it; whatever he is feeling/going through, I'd feel so bloody powerless as a mother.

Wouldn't you?
Even if you are not a parent, I ask you to imagine what it's like to be not trusted enough to be told the truth by your loved ones.

What I was doing to my mother was exactly that.
I was making her powerless in my world by thinking that I didn't want to be her burden.

That's what I mean by 'pitying her'.

Those people who come to tell me that they can't say what they feel to their mother because they don't want to hurt her feeling; you are treating her as 'Shit'.


As I said on the previous blog,
If mother is a hen, child will be a chick.
If mother is a frog, child will be a frog.
If mother is a shit, child will be a shit. (= If you are treating your mother as powerless woman, you are treating yourself as powerless.)

So, you begin trusting her that she can understand you.
You are not a burden for her.
You are not giving her a trouble by saying what you feel.
You are a diamond to her just as the way you are.

Of course, she might get upset fist by hearing you saying how you are truly feeling because she hasn't heard you like that since you were little. ('Mamma! Buy me a toy! Mamma! I want a hug! Mamma! I don't want to go to school today!)

But you might be surprised like myself, how they can accept your truth.

When I was separated from my ex husband, I was so afraid of telling my mother.

I thought she might be ashamed of me.
I thought she might be afraid of how other people would think of my separation after such a short marriage.
I thought she might be disappointed by my short marriage after spending so much money for the wedding.

But the truth was different from what I worried.

She cried over the phone and said "I'm glad you are safe."
To this day, she has never said a single negative word to me or my ex husband around our divorce.
She became the one who don't care what other people think.

As you've guessed by now, I was the one who made me a 'shit' by treating my mother a 'shit'.💩
As soon as I began treating her as a diamond (= trusting her), her strength and brilliance have shone through.

........................................................

Here is the step-by-step, how you get out of the fear of being judged by others.

1, Look into your relationship with your mother.
2, Recognize that her world view has been your world views.  (She told you that the world was a tough place first. )
3, Forgive her as it wasn't her fault. (i.e. She was a first time mother. She didn't know. Her mother (your granny) told her that the world was a tough place.)
4, Stop treating her as a 'shit' and began treating her as a 'diamond'. (= Stop pitying her and began trusting her that she can take it.).
5, Tell her what you feel/felt, what's happening/ what happened in your life.
6, Have a fight if necessary but keep trusting that you can be closer after this.
7, If your mother become a diamond, you become a diamond.
8, Since you become a diamond, your child become a diamond.
9, You know that no one judge you for who you are and what you do.
10, You began living your life without fear of being judged.


Is it clear?

As you can see on number 3 & 8, if you face your relationship between your mother, it helps to shine a light to the past and future generations. (grandparents and further in the past, your child and further in the future.)

I truly believe this is the sacred work to heal the past and the future.


*** I don't know if I continue with the theme or not. I might.

Fear of Being Judged by Others: Vol.2

This is following from the previous post 'Fear of Being Judged by Others: Vol.1.


I was saying in the previous post that the reason why I was fearful of being judged by other people was to do with my relationship with my mother.

You might go...???
What is it to do with my mum?

True, I haven't been living with my mum for over 20 years.
I see her once a year at most. Sometimes I don't see her for 3 years as she lives in Japan and I live in Ireland.
But we talk regularly, send birthday cards and exchange Christmas presents.
And we've had a good relationship.
No major fall-outs between us in my entire life.

But still.

The view of the world I had was the view of the world my mother has had.

In the previous blog, I said when I was a child, I decided to see the world as a tough place rather than a place filled with kind people.

That has been my mother's view of the world.

Yes, my mother has been fearful of being judged and concerned how other people would think of her.

................................................................


Before I was born, my mother had tried to conceive for 10 years.

And when I finally arrived in her life, I was diagnosed for a joint disfunction and was on casts for the first 4 months of my life.
Everyday for 4 months, she brought me to a clinic to get the casts fixed on my legs and at the 4th month, she thought there was something strange about the whole treatments.
She brought me to a different hospital.

It was a misdiagnosis.
The doctor at the new clinic took the casts off straight away from my legs; saying 'Mother, there's nothing wrong with her legs. What have you been doing to your poor child?'

..............................................................


She might have been fearful of what other people think of her well before I came to her life.
But I can only talk about her life that I know.
And there have been many times I've seen her degrade herself by saying...

I'm not good enough.
I should have listened to my husband (doctor, my big sister, or others).
I don't know what she would say if she knows...
I have to be more careful.
I have to be proper. 


We all make mistakes.
But the issue here is not about making mistakes.
The issue is that she is not separating shitty events in life from the fact that she is a diamond no matter what.

Say, you crush into another car.
You can scratch your head and say 'Ayayay... I did it! But no one was hurt! Excellent!'
Or, you can go'...I'm so stupid! What would I do? How can I go to my work tomorrow? What my husband would say? I should've not driven today. Maybe, never to drive again!'

Shit happens no matter who you are.
But that doesn't affect the fact that you are the most precious thing in your whole world.
Your core value is not affected by how well you can handle your life.
You are, have been and will always be a diamond; the hardest and the most precious thing in your life.

She was a diamond from the day she was born.
But she forgot that she was a diamond and misunderstood that she was as shit as what happened in her life.


And you know what?

If mother is hen, child will be a chick.🐔🐣
If mother is frog, child will be a frog. 🐸🐸
If mother thinks she is a shit, child will think they are a shit. 💩💩

If mother is afraid of the world, child will be afraid of the world.

As simple as that.

My mother was afraid of the world, so I became afraid of the world.

................................................................

But no point of blaming my mother.

Because she didn't know; she was a first time mother.
Because she didn't know; she could have laughed at her having been conned (yes, that happened, too!), instead of blaming herself stupid.
Because it wasn't her fault; her mother (my grandmother) was afraid of the world, too.


So, what did I do?

I stopped pitying her. (= I stopped treating her as a shit. 💩)
Instead, I began trusting her. (= I began treating her as a diamond. 💍💎✨)

Oh yes!
To me, pitying someone equals to treating someone as incapable!

No one deserves to be pitied. 💩


***To be continued.