For The Little Child You Were

I use to hold my head in disbelief for how childish I could be, especially when I was dealing with my son. (I still do, sometimes.)

I saw myself reacting in childish ways to my son's childish behaviors!

He's entitled to be childish because he is five.
But I am not! 😩


Then, one day, I realized that the reason why I was acting like a child was because I hadn't been allowed to act like a child when I was, indeed, a child.
I was often required to behave like an adult when I was a child.

'Stop wanting it so much! You are the big sister. Let your sister have the pink mug.'
'Think about others' needs first.'
'Stop crying now.'

I swear my parents had no intentions, anything else than what they just said.
But especially as a big sister, even if it was just a year difference in age, I remembered being expected to restrain my feelings and desires frequently.

Well, if you are a child, when you want something, you just want!
Want, want, want!

If you are a child, when you are sad, you just cry!
Cry, cry, cry!

I think I wasn't doing that much.
I was explained why I should have behaved differently when I couldn't even explain why I want it or why I was crying. (Kids just do that!)

...............................................

Fast forward the time to the present.

I found myself telling my son...

'Stop asking me to buy everything you see!' (...because I'm not getting everything I want.)
'Why don't you let him play with the toy first?' (...because I'm letting others needs come first. So you should, too!)
'Stop crying.' (...because I'm the one who want to cry!)

And when my son didn't do as I said...I reacted like a child!


When I realized this mechanism, it was a blessing and a consolation to me at the same time.

I felt relieved that I knew what to do then.
I felt sad for my little child-self.

..............................................

Now?

Yes, my son still asks me to buy him toys and sweets whenever we go shopping.
I won't buy them.
But I'm happy for him that he can find so many things that he likes everyday.
I let him explore the toy sections and agree how nice they are and we go.

He cries when he hurts himself, when he has to leave his best friend's house.
I say how sore it must be, I say how difficult to say good bye to someone we love.
I let him cry until he stops.

When he doesn't want to share his toy with his friends, let him play first but suggest him to let others to try next.

.............................................

It's no point blaming my parents.
They didn't know - they thought it was a good manner to prioritize other's needs or stop crying straight and move on.
Or they had also been required to behave like an adult when they were small - being born just after the second world war in Japan.

All I needed was a consolation to my little child-self and an enquiry to my current self - what for that I'm making myself suffer?

That day, my adulthood started.