Fear Of Being Judged: Extra Extra!

Extra Extra...😅

This post is following from the previous 4 posts.

Fear of Being Judged by Others; Vol. 1
Fear of Being Judged by Others; Vol. 2
Fear of Being Judged by Others; Vol. 3 (Possibly The End...?)
Fear of Being Judged by Others; Extra!

..................................

So, you might want to ask me a question.

'Mayumi, are you saying you don't judge anybody or anything anymore?'

The answer is...

I do!
I totally judge people! 😂


Other day, I was driving behind a white car.
We stopped at a junction waiting for the main road to be clear of the cars so that we can turn into it. Somehow, the white car didn't move fast enough when the road got clear so that we were stuck at the junction for another while.
Then, I saw a young female hand with a cigarette stretched out from the window at the driver's side.

I judged.

I judged her instantly.
I couldn't even tell you what it was for that I judged her.
It was almost a reflex.
I went "Tut! Tut!" in my mind to 'A young woman with a hand holding a cigarette.'


When I catch myself judging, I just... catch myself.
"Ah! I judged her now."
I don't criticize or blame myself for judging but I just accept that I have a judgement to 'A young woman with a cigarette.'

Then I look into myself deeper why I have a judgement to 'A young woman with a cigarette.'

1: Why do I think that way?
2: Where does the idea come from?
3: Is it my own judgement or was it influenced by someone or some situations that happened before?
4: Is my judgement universally, unconditionally and definitely true?
5: If answer is no, it's time for me to let go of the judgement.


In this case, I realized that I was influenced by my parents' idea of 'woman who smoke is not proper'. My father, in particular, hated smoking but his mother (my granny) smoked daily. He adored his mother but he hated smoking. I remember feeling this contradictions in him.  I consider contradictions in human behavior and mind are normal. But I know many struggle with contradictions. (My next theme for the workshop, by the way...←Ads😝)

And I ask myself a question,

'Woman who smoke is not proper' - is this universally, unconditionally and definitely true?

No. It's not.

So, I let go of the judgement.

.............................................


I don't think I will ever be free of judgemental self.

In fact, I cherish my judgemental side sometime.

Being judgemental is an important part of being an artist.

I can't create without having an eye to judge what is beautiful and what is meaningful to me.

People who are not so judgemental are kind people.

They accept people as they are and appreciate their ways.


Artistic people and kind people.

Both are wonderful.
And both are just different qualities in people.
The fact that all of us are diamonds don't change whether you are artistic or kind.

But if being judgemental makes your life difficult, you can look at it one by one and let go of it.

Different

For instance,

My partner loses his wallet and phone often.

I don't understand how he could lose them so easily.

Because I've never lost my purse and phone.


But he notices wild roses are blossoming on the hedge on that road, whereas I didn't notice them at all even though I drive pass them every day.


So, neither of us are careless.

We are just different.

We are attentive to different things.

And that made me feel glad.

Somehow, it made me feel better than imagining both of us are careful for where we place our wallets and phones.

Hay Fever and Me

I've had hay fever since I was sixteen.

So, every summer, between June and July, I've been feeling pretty miserable with runny nose, headaches from blocked sinus, itchy-puffy-bulging eyes, itchy throat, skin rush, etc...


However, this year, I am feeling well.


Not that I tried a new remedy or life style change.
(Yes! I've tried anti histamine tablets to alternative remedies and therapies in the past.)

I don't know if the pollen counts are down this year.
I don't know my work with microbiota has paid off.

But one thing I've done this year is to stop using hey fever as a reason for being miserable.


Yes!

I do still have runny nose.
I still have itchy eyes and throat.
I wake up with a sneeze.

I still have all the symptoms but do I have to use those as a reason for me to be miserable?

That's the question I asked myself.

Runny nose, itchy eyes, constant sneezing... so what???

I'm too busy having fun with setting up my business, making mandala, stroking my cat, playing with chicks, singing with friends, writing this blog... so many important things in my life than making hay fever a reason for being miserable = the reason for not trying what I love to do.

Hey Fever, so what?

I wrote somewhere before that there's a reason for everything I do.
I do what I do consciously and unconsciously because they are beneficial for me.

If I stay miserable, it gives me another reason not to have fun.

So, what's real fun for me? 
↓
It is doing what I love to do.
↓
But what if I fail when I try what I love to do?
↓
Do I think I can recover from the failure?
↓
No.
↓
Let's stay miserable then...

It's better staying miserable than being courageous.

Errr... I need an excuse to be miserable...oh! Yes, hey fever! I'll use hay fever for the reason to be miserable for the month of June and July! Hurray! Two months out of twelve months are covered now! Phew! Now I have to find other reasons to be miserable for the rest of the year. Is there any material...how about motherhood? That's always a good one. Very versatile. Works for almost all occasions like a little black dress. Now I don't have to be brave to try what I love to do. I'm safe... 🤣

That's how it worked for me.

.............................................


My friend who died few years ago is a great example of not using a physical condition as an excuse of not following his love of life.

He met a beautiful woman.
He got married.
He had beautiful twin babies.

All after being diagnosed with a terminal cancer.

Cancer, so what?

He had much fun with friends, travelled a lot with his wife, sang, drank, ate what he wanted in his deteriorating health.

You didn't make any excuse, my friend!

.......................................................


What I want to look at in my therapy session is this.
I won't offer you a cure or a healing.
I would like to make a space for you to look at what's stopping you to have everything you love.


For me, having a red nose and watery eyes doesn't have to stop me from laughing everyday.

Time: Me and My Business/Projects

With hand on my heart, I can say the most precious thing in my life is TIME.

Yes!
Nothing else values more than 'time' in my life.
Because, unlike money or other stuff, I can't save it, store it or stop it running.
It's like a broken tap, time just runs passed right in front of my eyes.

So, I take a close look at how I spend my time every day...well, every minute of it sometimes.
In other words, I pay attention to how I am feeling every day, every time when I do things.

.....................................


Lately, I've been running few projects.
If I count all the events and activities I'm involved, this is possibly the busiest I've ever got in my life.
On top of that, I'm a mother of a small child and setting up my own business, too!

And yet, I don't feel... 'Busy'.

Because I pay close attention to the state of myself when I'm doing things.

Am I feeling well doing it?
Do I feel like doing it right now?
Is it fun?

In stead of making actions out of 'fear'.

I have to do this now otherwise she might think I'm not interested in this. (fear of how other people think of me)
It is more convenient if I do this now. (fear of future inconvenience)
Unless I do it now, I won't do it later. (fear of myself changing mind)

When I sacrifice my 'now' for the fear of judgement or for a future benefit, it means that things become an effort: I'm doing things that doesn't make me feel good.

In a long run, I found it's not productive.
Those little sufferings pile up and affect my over all mood and that affects people who are around me and what we are creating.
With that foul mood of mine, I wouldn't be as half as creative as I could be.

So, what I do is this.

No matter how amazing the project is, if I'm not enjoying the process of it I stop it immediately.

I make other suggestions or simply wait for the time I feel like doing it.

Yes, it might not be convenient.
Yes, it might mean that people have to wait.
Yes, it might mean that I have to do it all over again.

But so far, I haven't received any complaints or I haven't pulled my hair out "Ahhhggg!!! I'm busy!!!".
Everything seems to be flowing.

And if I'm enjoying the process, the result doesn't matter.
Even if I didn't get the result I expected, I don't get disappointed.
Because the focus is on the process, how I enjoyed every minutes of doing it.

..................................

My business is about facilitating a space for people to find the ways to take care of themselves (= Self Care).
And my therapy session is not cheap.
My business mentor showed a concern that my pricing was on the expensive side compared to the standard in the area.

However, 'time' is the most valuable thing in my life.
I consider spending time for ourself is the greatest gift we can offer to ourselves.

To me, loving someone means you spend your time for being with the person, thinking about them and doing things for them.
Self care is loving yourself: you spend your time for being with you, thinking about you and doing things for you.

If I want to transmit that message, I have no problem charging people for my time I dedicate for them and for my time spent to acquire my knowledge.

When I am with you, I'll be 100% there with you in my abundant, fun and well self.
Because you don't deserve anything less.

As I value my time, I value your time as the most precious thing in your world.

Fear of Being Judged by Others; The Extra!

As soon as I start writing about the relationship with mother, the access numbers to the blog declines dramatically.😂
(Another possible reason could be using too many 💩💩💩)

I know, I know, it's no fun talking about being honest to our mothers with our feelings.
It takes a gut or two to do that.

I'm not saying you have to do it.
You can continue with 'the OK relationship' with your mother.
There are many happy people in the world who are not speaking to their mothers.

However.

I also think it's such a pity to waste your life for the sake of a revenge to your mother.
(I'm not pitying you. I feel pity of the situation.)

Yes, a revenge.

Of course, you don't think you are doing a revenge to your mother at all.
It's an unconscious level.

But we do things for a reason: for our benefits.
We do everything we do because it's beneficial for us somehow.

I said, at the end of the Vol.1 of this series, 'If you are not happy with the way you are right now, it is worthwhile to look at your relationship with your mother.'

If you are not happy with the way you are right now, it can be a proof to your mother that she did a bad job as a mother.

Yes, you are saying...

"See? What you did to me? 
Look at my state now. I can't trust others. I'm afraid of what other people think of me. I think I'm crap. I'm not good enough. This is the result of how you brought me up.
You did a bad job as a mother."

You want your mother to go...

"What did I do wrong? Why is she/he afraid of what other people think so much? What have I done?"

Because if you are happy with the way you are right now, it means that their job was success!
It means that they did well as a mother to bring you up as a confident, happy and content adult who doesn't care what other people think of them.


OK. I've lost all my readers by now saying this. 🤣


But still, I think it's worth saying it.

You might think you don't want to go near to the issues with your mother.

But by avoiding going there, you keep trapping yourself into the cage; being fearful of what other people would think.

I'm not asking you to forgive your mother for her sake at all.
It's for your sake so that you can be free yourself from your revenge to her (= being unhappy with yourself.)

Because she doesn't worth that much.
No matter how important and fragile you think she is, she doesn't worth sacrificing your happiness.


Here is the step by step I wrote yesterday; how to get out of the fear of being judged by others.

1, Look into your relationship with your mother.
2, Recognize that her world view has been your world views.  (She told you that the world was a tough place first. )
3, Forgive her as it wasn't her fault. (i.e. She was a first time mother. She didn't know. Her mother (your granny) told her that the world was a tough place.)
4, Stop treating her as a 'shit' and began treating her as a 'diamond'. (= Stop pitying her and began trusting her that she can take it.).
5, Tell her what you feel/felt, what's happening/ what happened in your life.
6, Have a fight if necessary but keep trusting that you can be closer after this.
7, If your mother become a diamond, you become a diamond.
8, Since you become a diamond, your child become a diamond.
9, You know that no one judge you for who you are and what you do.
10, You began living your life without fear of being judged.


Let me know what you think.

Fear of Being Judged by Others: Vol. 3 (Possibly the End...?)

from Father Ted Wiki Fundom 💚

This is following from the previous two posts:
Fear of Being Judged by Others; Vol. 1
Fear of Being Judged by Others; Vol. 2

*Please read from the Vol.1&2 otherwise you may think I'm just shouting 'Shit'💩for no reason.😂 (...Father Jack...)

...................................

So, I stopped treating my mother as a 'shit' and treating her as a 'diamond'. 💩➡️💍💎✨

The translation of that is...I stopped pitying my mother and began trusting her instead.

I began telling her my feelings.
I began telling her what had happened.

I stopped thinking that she wouldn't understand.
I stopped thinking that she wouldn't be able to handle it.
I stopped thinking that that would be a burden for her.
I stopped thinking that I don't want to give her a trouble.


If you are a mother yourself, you might understand me.

If my son comes to me and say..
"Mum, I couldn't tell you what happened because I didn't want to be your burden..."😢

I would burst into tears.

There's nothing makes me feel powerless than this.
If my son thinks that I can't take it; whatever he is feeling/going through, I'd feel so bloody powerless as a mother.

Wouldn't you?
Even if you are not a parent, I ask you to imagine what it's like to be not trusted enough to be told the truth by your loved ones.

What I was doing to my mother was exactly that.
I was making her powerless in my world by thinking that I didn't want to be her burden.

That's what I mean by 'pitying her'.

Those people who come to tell me that they can't say what they feel to their mother because they don't want to hurt her feeling; you are treating her as 'Shit'.


As I said on the previous blog,
If mother is a hen, child will be a chick.
If mother is a frog, child will be a frog.
If mother is a shit, child will be a shit. (= If you are treating your mother as powerless woman, you are treating yourself as powerless.)

So, you begin trusting her that she can understand you.
You are not a burden for her.
You are not giving her a trouble by saying what you feel.
You are a diamond to her just as the way you are.

Of course, she might get upset fist by hearing you saying how you are truly feeling because she hasn't heard you like that since you were little. ('Mamma! Buy me a toy! Mamma! I want a hug! Mamma! I don't want to go to school today!)

But you might be surprised like myself, how they can accept your truth.

When I was separated from my ex husband, I was so afraid of telling my mother.

I thought she might be ashamed of me.
I thought she might be afraid of how other people would think of my separation after such a short marriage.
I thought she might be disappointed by my short marriage after spending so much money for the wedding.

But the truth was different from what I worried.

She cried over the phone and said "I'm glad you are safe."
To this day, she has never said a single negative word to me or my ex husband around our divorce.
She became the one who don't care what other people think.

As you've guessed by now, I was the one who made me a 'shit' by treating my mother a 'shit'.💩
As soon as I began treating her as a diamond (= trusting her), her strength and brilliance have shone through.

........................................................

Here is the step-by-step, how you get out of the fear of being judged by others.

1, Look into your relationship with your mother.
2, Recognize that her world view has been your world views.  (She told you that the world was a tough place first. )
3, Forgive her as it wasn't her fault. (i.e. She was a first time mother. She didn't know. Her mother (your granny) told her that the world was a tough place.)
4, Stop treating her as a 'shit' and began treating her as a 'diamond'. (= Stop pitying her and began trusting her that she can take it.).
5, Tell her what you feel/felt, what's happening/ what happened in your life.
6, Have a fight if necessary but keep trusting that you can be closer after this.
7, If your mother become a diamond, you become a diamond.
8, Since you become a diamond, your child become a diamond.
9, You know that no one judge you for who you are and what you do.
10, You began living your life without fear of being judged.


Is it clear?

As you can see on number 3 & 8, if you face your relationship between your mother, it helps to shine a light to the past and future generations. (grandparents and further in the past, your child and further in the future.)

I truly believe this is the sacred work to heal the past and the future.


*** I don't know if I continue with the theme or not. I might.

Fear of Being Judged by Others: Vol.2

This is following from the previous post 'Fear of Being Judged by Others: Vol.1.


I was saying in the previous post that the reason why I was fearful of being judged by other people was to do with my relationship with my mother.

You might go...???
What is it to do with my mum?

True, I haven't been living with my mum for over 20 years.
I see her once a year at most. Sometimes I don't see her for 3 years as she lives in Japan and I live in Ireland.
But we talk regularly, send birthday cards and exchange Christmas presents.
And we've had a good relationship.
No major fall-outs between us in my entire life.

But still.

The view of the world I had was the view of the world my mother has had.

In the previous blog, I said when I was a child, I decided to see the world as a tough place rather than a place filled with kind people.

That has been my mother's view of the world.

Yes, my mother has been fearful of being judged and concerned how other people would think of her.

................................................................


Before I was born, my mother had tried to conceive for 10 years.

And when I finally arrived in her life, I was diagnosed for a joint disfunction and was on casts for the first 4 months of my life.
Everyday for 4 months, she brought me to a clinic to get the casts fixed on my legs and at the 4th month, she thought there was something strange about the whole treatments.
She brought me to a different hospital.

It was a misdiagnosis.
The doctor at the new clinic took the casts off straight away from my legs; saying 'Mother, there's nothing wrong with her legs. What have you been doing to your poor child?'

..............................................................


She might have been fearful of what other people think of her well before I came to her life.
But I can only talk about her life that I know.
And there have been many times I've seen her degrade herself by saying...

I'm not good enough.
I should have listened to my husband (doctor, my big sister, or others).
I don't know what she would say if she knows...
I have to be more careful.
I have to be proper. 


We all make mistakes.
But the issue here is not about making mistakes.
The issue is that she is not separating shitty events in life from the fact that she is a diamond no matter what.

Say, you crush into another car.
You can scratch your head and say 'Ayayay... I did it! But no one was hurt! Excellent!'
Or, you can go'...I'm so stupid! What would I do? How can I go to my work tomorrow? What my husband would say? I should've not driven today. Maybe, never to drive again!'

Shit happens no matter who you are.
But that doesn't affect the fact that you are the most precious thing in your whole world.
Your core value is not affected by how well you can handle your life.
You are, have been and will always be a diamond; the hardest and the most precious thing in your life.

She was a diamond from the day she was born.
But she forgot that she was a diamond and misunderstood that she was as shit as what happened in her life.


And you know what?

If mother is hen, child will be a chick.🐔🐣
If mother is frog, child will be a frog. 🐸🐸
If mother thinks she is a shit, child will think they are a shit. 💩💩

If mother is afraid of the world, child will be afraid of the world.

As simple as that.

My mother was afraid of the world, so I became afraid of the world.

................................................................

But no point of blaming my mother.

Because she didn't know; she was a first time mother.
Because she didn't know; she could have laughed at her having been conned (yes, that happened, too!), instead of blaming herself stupid.
Because it wasn't her fault; her mother (my grandmother) was afraid of the world, too.


So, what did I do?

I stopped pitying her. (= I stopped treating her as a shit. 💩)
Instead, I began trusting her. (= I began treating her as a diamond. 💍💎✨)

Oh yes!
To me, pitying someone equals to treating someone as incapable!

No one deserves to be pitied. 💩


***To be continued.